Tug and pull.

For almost the entirety of my adult life, my Grandma and Auntie have been trying to convince me to get gastric bypass surgery or something similar. This isn't presented in the form of tenderness and well being, it's presented in the form of them giving me an age that if I don't die by, they would be greatly shocked. I am a stubborn person, and each time I am told that I must immediately call my doctor and schedule my pre-op appointment, I become more firm in my decision to not have the surgery.

I have considered the option of weight loss surgery, and I've made lists detailing all the pros and cons I could think of. I researched online success stories and horror stories. The horror stories stuck with me much more due to my severe hypochondria. I weighed my options (and myself multiple times trying to decide if I really needed it), and I consulted a few friends and asked their advice. I once worked with a woman who had gastric bypass done and she told me she regretted it because of the excess skin she was unable to get rid of. She said medically she felt great, and had never felt better about herself except when it came to the excess skin.

I have always flipped flopped on the idea of surgery. I've already had surgery on my stomach to remove my gall bladder back in January 2012. The doctors weren't sure if I was going to be cut open or I was able to have a laparoscopic procedure. The reason was that I was so big, and they weren't sure which would be safer. In the end they were able to perform the surgery done laparoscopically, and I came out of it with three scars the size of ants. I was so relived that I wouldn't have a giant scar that would prevent me from fulfilling my true destiny: bikini model. Kidding, I'm totally becoming a mermaid. How will I ever find my perfect merman if I have the scar the size of a toddler's arm?

Another reason why I decided against weight loss surgery is because if I have surgery and it's a quick fix with minimal effort (because let's face it, my full name is Sarah I'll Do It Tomorrow With Minimal Effort Tompkins), then what am I accomplishing? Yes, I will have a healthier body; but will I have a healthier mindset? For me personally, I know I wouldn't. I wouldn't be working through my issues with food. As much as I don't want to admit it, I definitely have issues with foods. I frequently feel the tug of what I know I should eat and the pull of what I shouldn't. It's a never ending tug of war, and more often than not the food I shouldn't eat wins.

I'm not saying that weight loss surgery is a negative thing; but for me I need to discover which emotions are attached to food and how I can live my life without relying on food for emotional support. If there comes a time when after eating healthy and working out, I'm still failing; I'll consult my doctor.

One of my main goals this week has been trying to maintain awareness as to which emotions make me want to binge eat. And I try and find healthy distractions to prevent that from happening. It doesn't always work, but I know that eventually I will learn to replace my comfort foods with comfort activities. There will always be a tug and pull and one side will always win out, but as long as the healthy side wins more often than not, I'll be satisfied.