Battle of the bathing suit.

I have always been confident, and mostly had high self esteem. Sometimes I'm too confident, and it all comes crashing down when I step into a bathing suit.

Naturally when I was younger, I had no problem running around in my bathing suit. I didn't understand why some of my family members or friend's family members covered up at the beach. My theory was that it was hot, I was hot, and the less clothes the better. (I'm pretty sure if I had grown up and stayed at a healthy weight I would have joined a nudist colony by now.) It didn't occur to me the reasons why they felt bad about their bodies. I never realized that they were any different than me. I was taught that people look different and that we shouldn't make them feel bad because they don't look like me. It has been a teaching that has stayed with me my whole life and I will never understand when people stoop to insulting someone else's weight.

For the first couple of months after I had moved to Florida, I still didn't have a problem running around in my bathing suit. It was summer and I was in God's waiting room equipped with its own personal sauna: the equator. As "Fall" arrived and school started, I hadn't made any friends so food became my friend. I felt shameful. I felt that if I were to go to a beach, and walk in my bathing suit that they would mistake me for a beached whale and try to push me off the shore into the water.

I heard the jokes in gym class, and I felt their stares. I didn't talk like them, I didn't grow up with them, and in some of their eyes, I wasn't one of them. Not all of my fellow students were like this, but enough to drown out the rest of them. But then something spectacular happened in the eighth grade, I had started making friends. I grew back into the person I was when I was in Connecticut. I had met my friends Megan and Casey that went from accquantices to my lifelines. I went to the beach with them, and although I was still afraid, I wore my bathing suit. I wore shorts with it, but it was a step in the right direction. They made me feel comfortable and accepted, and for that I'll never be able to thank them enough.

During my high school years, my circle of friends expanded, as did my waist line; but I didn't really care. I felt comfortable and happy and with my friends I knew I didn't have to feel ashamed. I found my niche in high school theatre and I had never felt more at home. While in acting, I had met a girl named Shaena. We immediately hit it off, and became close. Through her, and acting, I had met Danielle. We went to the beach together one day, and because of them, I had the courage to take my shorts off and just be in my bathing suit. It took that to finally learn to love myself completely and understand that everyone has flaws.

I still struggle with wearing a bathing suit. I still don't like the way my stomach looks in it, or my thighs, but thankfully I have Melissa, Marta and all my friends to reassure me of the parts that do look good in my bathing suit. They remind me that no one will mistake me for a whale, and try and push me home. I have Marta or Melissa or Pulito or Jason or Sarah or any of them to keep me sane when I'm having a mini-anxiety attack about the bathing suit. Without all of my friends, I would just be the girl on the beach wearing a pant suit.

One day, the battle of the bathing suit will come to an end, and I'll be able to wave my white flag in surrender. I'll be able to put it on without a second thought or a fight. Maybe one day I'll feel like the little girl again. No shame, just happy to be in the water. Until I do, I won't stop fighting.