Motivation.

I don't feel very fabulous today. In fact, I haven't been feeling fabulous the last week. I don't know if it's because I was sad that my brother left, or if it's because I feel as if I was getting sick. For whatever the reasons were, I haven't felt like myself in a week.

Whenever I feel the slow creep of depression cast over me like a cloud, I lose all motivation and interest in everything and everyone I love. I start to doubt all the positives in my life, and slowly turn them into negatives. The fatigue steep in my bones like tea, and I am unable to move for even the most basic needs. Using the bathroom is a task that requires a pep talk, and turning over in my bed makes my bones rattle and scream out. It's not an unusual thing, and I know I'm not the only person in the world to feel this way; but when it's happening to me, I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Very isolated and alone. I know, truly and deeply, that I am not alone, and that I never have been nor do I need to every worry that I will be; but during times like this it's hard to remember that. It's hard to find the motivation to pull myself out of this.

The problem this time isn't unhealthy food. It's my unhealthy habits surrounding food. For the past week, I have either eaten too much or too little of a meal, and drank barely any water. My hydration level was low, and therefore effecting every facet of my daily life. Like I said, the basic tasks are the hardest to find motivation for. Whereas before, I would find reasons to get up and move from my desk, from my couch, from my bed; I found none. Wherever I plopped myself down was where I was until I needed to move.

This week I decided that no matter how unmotivated I feel and how much sadness I feel in my tendons and my sinews, I will do things each day to improve my life. Whether that be writing this blog, drinking more water or excerising, I will do it. Old habits are hard to kill, but I have to start somewhere.

Today I have eaten all my meals and snacks and despite feeling hungry for more, I have not given in, and tried to barter with co-workers for more. I have drank 3 bottles of water, and I have plans to go walking tonight with Melissa and Pulito. I'm attempting to put mountains and miles between my depression and me, and the only way I can do that is if I fight instead of accepting this as fate. Depression is a lonely hell, but I'm not willing to stay there.